My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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