My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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