We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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