I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
