I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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