You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
