so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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