I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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