Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
