My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
