Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
