You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
