he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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