there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
