The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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