thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
