He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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