i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
