it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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