It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
