I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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