In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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