I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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