I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
