We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
