I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have already put on my inside pants.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
