He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
