Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
