Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
