in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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