happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
