I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
