your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
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if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize