Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
