you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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