Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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