Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
