i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
