I looked at my own cervix.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
