Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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