UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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