that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.