i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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