it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
