i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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