I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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