I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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