I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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