apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
