i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
