I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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