I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
