I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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