I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
