Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
