My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
