I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
