Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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