she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
