remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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