I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
