He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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