I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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